Shelley J Whitehead

Are you in an Imaginary Relationship?

30 April, 2014

Five months ago, my lovely client who for the sake of this blog I shall call Julie, got involved with a man she met on the internet.
Within a week she was experiencing the most passionate, consuming, fun relationship in years.  He was telling her how beautiful she was, how much she had changed his life, how he longed to become a father.

He was telling her everything she had been longing to hear.

I could hear her gasp when I asked her the following question:

“Julie, are you in an exclusive, committed relationship?”  Her answer to me was, “I’m not sure.”  Bear with me as I lay down some coaching etiquette before I continue with Julie’s story

As you know, I am a Relationship and Bereavement Coach, and I specialise in working with Divorced, Dumped and Bereaved Men and Women who are ready to embrace love again.

Know what you want

Before embarking on the Dating process, have a clear set of directions to follow in determining whether the person you are dating ticks the boxes of your top requirements.

You do this by determining what YOUR most important values are.  A partner must share your highest values.

Date with awareness

Dating with awareness means keeping the big picture in mind. You are  awareness of  yourself, others, the past, future and the present.  You are aware of your vision and constantly examine your options to make the best choices in alignment with that vision, all the while being mindful of the long-term consequences.

I also advise the clients I coach to set up a few dates.  By dating a number of people, you have a greater chance to identify the one most likely to meet your requirements and increase your chances at finding love again.  Although it is possible to meet your ideal partner on a first date, it doesn’t happen that often.

In order to determine that, you would be required to do quite a bit of ground work.  You would need to get to know them well.  You would need to understand what their long term and short term goals are, whether they want children, what their vision of a relationships is, whether they are ready for this type of commitment.

Test for compatibility

We make some of the biggest mistakes of our lives when we make decisions based on partial or false information.  Relationships need to be tested for compatibility.  I know we have all heard of stories where couples have met, fallen in love and 25 years later it’s still the same, but that’s very rare.  Statistics tell us that more than 55% of marriages end in divorce.

Believe me when I tell you that it is VERY UNLIKELY that you would be able to determine this within one week!  It is even more unlikely that you think logically within that one week if you enter into a sexual relationship with someone new.

This is where the expression “Love Is Blind” is often used.  Before you know it, and whole cocktail of hormones and chemicals have taken over your mind and body when you enter into that wonderful world of intimacy.  These hormones affect you and your decision-making ability in the early stages of falling in love.

Now, let’s get back to Julie. When she first came to see me, it was clear that she wanted a committed relationship with a man who shared the same values.  She wants to become a mother and is close approaching forty.  She is close to her wonderful extended family and they play a very important part in her life.  She also loves animals and would need to have a partner who shares that fondness for all small creatures that bark.

Julie jumped into a relationship with her internet man, without testing it for compatibility.  Within two weeks it became clear that he was a drug addict who had been clean for 7 months, only to relapse within 14 days of their meeting.  He was struggling to get his business off the ground.  He didn’t like her pet.  Five months later the relationship ended because he became involved with someone else.  He is a man clearly not wanting commitment.  A man with serious past issues and addicted to substances to mask his pain, a man who is certainly not ready to become a father.

Yes, it ended badly, but Julie is tenacious.  She has learnt a great lesson in how to get it right next time, and is back in the dating world applying the rules, working with as sense of self-worth and great patience in finding her ideal man.

If you want to meet your ideal partner, please test the relationship for compatibility first.  Make sure he or she ticks the boxes of your top requirements and above all, do not get intimately involved with a date unless you are certain they want to be in a committed, exclusive relationship with you.  Keep dating a variety of people to increase the likelihood of meeting “The One” and above all else, keep your sense of humour.

I wish you success in Creating Successful Relationships.

With Love

Shelley J Whitehead

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