There are moments when we become aware of just how tightly we’re holding on to something. It might be a relationship that has changed, an expectation that hasn’t been fulfilled or a future we’ve imagined so clearly that we struggle to consider anything different. We may find ourselves revisiting conversations, trying to persuade someone to see things our way, or worrying about an outcome we cannot control.
I’ve noticed that when something matters deeply to us, the possibility of losing it can feel enormously uncomfortable. We respond by holding on more tightly, hoping our efforts will somehow prevent the change we fear. Learning to recognise this response, and becoming curious about what lies beneath it, is part of developing the relationship skill of ‘Release’.
Holding On to Gran
I have been holding on to Gran very tightly.
Gran is my late husband’s mother. Even after I remarried, she remained the only mother-in-law I have ever known, and she has been like a mother to me. She is the grandmother of my children, and she has been my confidant, my friend, my travel companion and the healer of my heartbreak. Together we have witnessed weddings, births and deaths, puppies and kittens, school exams, cricket matches and swimming lessons. Now, coping with her own impending demise is the hardest of all.
She is also the woman I dedicated Love is a Skill to. Only eight weeks ago, before the book was published, I placed a copy in her hands and surprised her with the dedication I had written to her. The very next day, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
Gran is transitioning now. This past Monday I sat with her and held her hands. I held them tightly. And I said to her, “I don’t know how to be without you.”
I meant every word.
In this moment, I realised just how present my fear had become. Part of me was gripping her hands as though holding on tightly enough could keep her here with me.
For me, releasing is about letting go of this fear. The love I hold for Gran will always remain, and I am learning to release the fear so I can simply be with her, my hands soft in hers, for the time we have left together.
Recognising the Fear Beneath Our Grip
Over the years, I’ve recognised this same impulse in relationships, expectations and versions of the future I desperately wanted to preserve. Whenever I felt an urgent need to influence an outcome, I gradually learned to pay attention to what was happening within me.
There was usually fear underneath. Fear that someone might leave, that a relationship would change or that something I’d hoped for might never happen.
These feelings are understandable. When something matters to us, we naturally want to protect it. Yet our efforts to prevent disappointment can lead us to spend enormous amounts of energy trying to control things that aren’t entirely ours to determine.
Release invites us to recognise this distinction. We can care deeply about an outcome while acknowledging that we don’t have complete control over how it unfolds.
The People We Love Have Their Own Lives to Live
One of the more challenging lessons in relationships is accepting that the people we love have their own inner worlds. They bring different experiences, histories, needs and perspectives into our lives. Even when we feel certain that we know what’s best for someone, we cannot determine who they become or which choices they make.
This can be particularly difficult when these choices affect us emotionally. We may want a partner to behave differently, a friend to understand our perspective or a family member to make decisions that feel more reassuring to us.
We can express our concerns, communicate our needs and remain clear about our boundaries. These are important parts of taking responsibility for ourselves. But another person’s decisions ultimately belong to them.
I’ve found that when we become too attached to how someone should behave, we can lose sight of who they actually are. Learning to release these expectations creates room for a more honest relationship with the person in front of us.
Making Room for Change and Sadness
Autumn offers a beautiful illustration of Release. As the seasons change, trees shed their leaves, conserving the resources they need to survive the colder months and prepare for new growth.
Our relationships also move through changing seasons. Friendships evolve, children become adults, circumstances shift and some relationships come to an end. Yet we can remain attached to the way things once were, even when life is asking us to recognise what has changed.
Releasing an expectation can mean accepting something we wouldn’t have chosen. And there may be genuine grief involved.
I’ve learned that understanding why something needs to change doesn’t necessarily make it easy. A present loss can also awaken sadness connected to earlier experiences.
We may find ourselves grieving an imagined future as much as the relationship or situation itself.
These feelings deserve our attention. We can acknowledge how much something mattered without interpreting our sadness as evidence that we should continue holding on.
A Simple Practice in Opening Your Hand
In Love is a Skill, I share an exercise that helps us notice what we’re holding and how we might begin to release it.
Start by identifying something you’re gripping particularly tightly. It might be an expectation, a relationship or a future you’ve imagined. Ask yourself what you’re afraid might happen if you loosened your hold.
Then find a small object, such as a stone or a leaf. Close your hand around it and hold it firmly for a minute. Notice the effort involved and any tension you feel.
Now slowly open your hand and allow the object to rest on your palm.
The object is still there. What has changed is the way you’re holding it.
I find this a useful reminder that Release doesn’t always mean removing something from our lives. We may be learning to change our relationship with it, still caring, hoping and feeling sadness, while allowing ourselves to respond differently.
A few questions to sit with:
- Is there something in your own life that you’re holding particularly tightly?
- What are you afraid might happen if you loosened your grip?
- Could there be another way to hold what matters to you?
When I think of holding Gran’s hands this past week, I’m reminded that releasing her doesn’t mean letting go of the love.
