For most of my life, I carried invisible agreements that shaped my actions and held me back—agreements I hadn’t consciously made but that guided so much of what I did. They weren’t formal contracts written on paper but rather unspoken commitments I felt I had to uphold to maintain my relationships and sense of self. It took me years to realise how these hidden contracts were holding me back and even longer to find the courage to burn them.
What are hidden contracts?
Hidden contracts are the unspoken agreements we make with ourselves and others, often without realising it. They might look like a role you adopt in your family, such as always being ‘the responsible one’ or ‘the peacekeeper.’ These roles become a part of how you navigate the world, even when they stop serving you. For me, I always felt I had to be the one who absorbed everyone’s emotions, making sure that those around me felt steady—even when it came at the expense of my own emotional needs.
Maybe you’ve silently agreed to always say “yes” to extra work, even when you’re overwhelmed. Or perhaps you’ve internalised the belief that showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness, leading you to bottle up your true feelings. These hidden agreements often begin as a way to maintain attachment, especially if that’s what you needed to feel accepted growing up. But as time goes on, they can become constraints, keeping you from fully embracing who you are now.
Good boundaries help you let go of what doesn’t serve you
In my journey, learning how to have good boundaries changed everything. It allowed me to see these unspoken contracts for what they were: outdated strategies that no longer served me. A hidden agreement to always be available, for instance, made it difficult for me to set healthy limits with others, blurring the line between being generous and being overextended. As I began to let go of these roles, I learned that saying “no” when needed wasn’t selfish—it was a necessary act of self-care.
Good boundaries taught me that my wellbeing mattered as much as the harmony I was trying to preserve for others. Letting go of the expectation that I had to always be the emotional anchor allowed me to show up more authentically, creating space for deeper, more genuine connections.
The courage to break old patterns
Shedding these old contracts wasn’t easy. It required me to face uncomfortable truths about the dynamics I’d maintained for years. I had to confront the fear of being seen in all my imperfect authenticity, knowing that it might shift the nature of some relationships. But as I began to release these outdated commitments, I found a sense of freedom I hadn’t felt before. My relationships grew richer and my sense of self became clearer.
Identifying the contracts that hold you back
Reflecting on where you feel frustration or unease can help you pinpoint your own hidden contracts. Ask yourself:
- Are there roles I feel obligated to play in my relationships?
- Do I often make decisions based on what others might think rather than what I truly want?
- Are there beliefs I cling to that limit what I think I deserve?
These questions helped me uncover the silent agreements that kept me tethered to behaviours that no longer served me. As I learnt to metaphorically burn the outdated contracts, I felt my sense of self become richer and more vibrant. It was a beautiful experience!
Are there any contracts you’re ready to burn? If so, you might just find that letting them go opens the door to a life that feels more like your own.
