It’s time to stop romanticising absence.
In popular culture, we’re often fed myths about relationships that focus on absence and longing. Think of the countless love stories that hinge on the thrill of the chase—the mysterious, aloof partner who keeps us guessing.
This narrative can make romance feel like a game to win, filled with dramatic gestures and endless pursuit. But when we cling to these ideals, we risk focusing on the wrong aspects of love. True intimacy doesn’t thrive on distance or uncertainty – it flourishes when both partners are fully present.
The trap of avoidant attachment
The myth that ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ often aligns with patterns of avoidant attachment. People with avoidant tendencies might find themselves pulling back when closeness intensifies, creating a push-and-pull dynamic that can be mistaken for romantic tension. But this push-pull pattern can prevent the fulfilling connection of a secure attachment. When one or both partners frequently disengage, it can feel like love is slipping away, but this isn’t about the other person’s attractiveness—it’s a sign of emotional unavailability.
Good relationships require presence, not absence
To build a good relationship, it’s important to move beyond the allure of what is out of reach. True connection is rooted in being present, both emotionally and physically. Being fully present means showing up as you are—vulnerable, authentic and ready to engage. It involves putting aside distractions and being truly attentive to your partner. This presence is what allows trust and security to grow, forming a solid foundation for long-term love.
Unlearning unhelpful relationship advice
Much unhelpful relationship advice encourages playing hard to get or keeping things mysterious to maintain interest. But if we want a love that feels like home, it’s worth questioning these notions. Playing games and holding back affection might create a brief sense of attraction, but it rarely develops into lasting, genuine connection. Instead, the focus should be on practising relationship skills like active listening and emotional regulation. These skills sustain love and keep it vibrant over time.
Cultivating true intimacy
True intimacy is based on presence—being there for each other through life’s highs and lows. It means making space for each other’s emotions without retreating into avoidant attachment behaviours when things get tough. Real love is built on a willingness to navigate challenges together, standing by each other when life gets messy. It’s in these moments that you truly see each other—flaws and all—and choose to stay and grow together.
Building the relationship you deserve
If you find yourself longing for a connection that goes beyond fleeting passion or superficial games, it might be time to shift your focus. Embracing presence over absence can transform how you approach love. Investing in relationship skills and unlearning old patterns is a powerful way to open yourself up to deeper, more fulfilling love. Love isn’t about the chase—it’s about the choice to show up, day in and day out.
The next time you catch yourself romanticising distance, remember that the real magic happens when you and your partner are willing to show up for each other, in wholehearted, authentically real presence.
