I grew up as many of us do—instinctively masking my true self to survive. As a child, I learned to be what others needed me to be, rather than embracing who I truly was. In my early years, I sensed that my raw emotions—my sadness, anger, even my unfiltered joy—could unsettle the fragile connections around me. So, I tucked those parts away, becoming the version of myself that I thought would be loved and accepted. It took many years, and countless moments of painful self-reflection, to realise how much of myself I had hidden, even from myself.
The unmasking was no small thing—it required an almost excruciating level of courage. I had to peel back layers of protection, risking rejection and vulnerability. Yet, in this process, I discovered something profound: true intimacy is only possible when we dare to be fully, unapologetically ourselves. When I began to reveal the parts of myself that I had kept hidden for so long, I found that those who truly loved me leaned in closer, not further away. It was from this experience that I understood that truth is the ultimate intimacy.
Attachment vs. authenticity: A lifelong balancing act
Two of our most fundamental needs from the moment we are born are attachment and authenticity. As infants, we need to attach to our caregivers for security and survival. At the same time, being able to express our true selves and communicate our needs is vital for healthy development. In an ideal world, these two needs would coexist perfectly, but often, they don’t. In some families, expressing certain emotions or desires might threaten the connection, leading children to suppress their authentic selves to maintain attachment. This survival strategy of sacrifice helps in the short term, but as we carry it into adulthood, it can hold us back from forming the deep connections we long for.
The people-pleasing mask
One of the most common ways inauthenticity shows up is through people-pleasing. This is often connected to an anxious attachment style, where someone becomes hyper-attuned to the needs and emotions of others. The person may downplay their own feelings, avoid conflict, or say “yes” when they mean “no,” all in a bid to maintain harmony and avoid rejection. While this can create the illusion of closeness, it’s ultimately draining and unsustainable, as the real self remains hidden beneath layers of accommodation.
Numbing and detachment
On the other end of the spectrum, inauthenticity can look like emotional detachment. Those who cope by numbing their feelings often lean toward an avoidant attachment style. Rather than risk the vulnerability of emotional closeness, they withdraw, keeping themselves at a safe distance. This can feel like control, but it’s actually a form of self-protection that keeps true intimacy at arm’s length. By avoiding the emotional risks of a relationship, they prevent themselves from being fully known—and loved—for who they are.
The power of taking off the masks
In my own experience, taking off these masks—whether that meant dropping the people-pleasing act or allowing myself to express feelings I’d long suppressed—was the key to deeper connection. As I shed each layer, I found not just freedom, but a new way to breathe—one that made space for my own voice to echo back at me. It brought me closer not only to my own needs but also to those I loved.
Revealing your true needs: The courage of self-expression
It takes immense courage to reveal your true needs, especially when it feels risky. It means being open to the possibility of rejection, but it also means inviting in the possibility of genuine connection. The truth is, when we allow ourselves to be seen in all our complexity—messy, imperfect, and real—we give our relationships the chance to deepen. This kind of vulnerability can be the bridge to the connection we’ve been yearning for.
True intimacy is born from the courage to be truthful—both with ourselves and with those we love. It means showing up with our full selves, letting go of the need to perform or protect. It means risking vulnerability and trusting that our relationships can hold that space.
When you are ready to step into that level of truth, you’re not just building a relationship—you’re creating a space where both you and your partner can be fully known and fully loved. And that, I believe, is the kind of connection that makes all the risk worthwhile.
